Spiritually fierce

Spiritually Fierce

Sharna Jay

Choosing Fierce
As my life broke down around me, I had to make a choice: live in delusion or get Spiritually Fierce.

I began choosing my reality when the reality I was living was making me crazy.

I wasn't coping with the life I had. I was an anxious wreck. Everything overwhelmed me—even the dishes. I couldn’t walk into the kitchen without facing an imminent meltdown.

The overwhelm was so intense that I would overreact to whoever or whatever was around me. While I knew this wasn’t normal for me, I had no idea where it was coming from. What I did know was that my children were suffering, my partner was suffering, and I was suffering. And underneath it all, there was a niggling feeling—I knew the answer, but I didn’t know how to articulate it.

This went on for several months: the overwhelm, the overreaction, the sensation that started in my toes and crept up my body in waves of heat. Slowly, it would rise—an overwhelming need to release, to scream, to cry, to collapse.

I was living in a terror that had no basis in reality. A terror with no relief. I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t functioning, except to perform what was absolutely necessary—children, food, clothes.

Something had to give.

Then came a pivotal moment. An epiphany.
It was 4 a.m. I was lying in bed, curled in the fetal position. Light on. Just my children and the dog in the house with me.

Only a few days before, I’d had a complete meltdown and declared to my husband that I had made the wrong choice. I didn’t want to be here. I should have stayed dead. I wanted the joy and euphoria of those early days back. I thought the only way to feel that again was to return to that place—the elusive “other side.”

But in that moment, curled up on my bed, I suddenly remembered something. Something important. Something that had been hovering on the edge of the terror.
I remembered choice.
I have a choice.

I started with that.
Slowly, I made myself remember.
I made myself choose.

But it was more than that.
It was choosing which thoughts I was thinking—and which ones I was believing. During my Dark Night, I had been believing the fear thoughts. I had believed in separation. I had believed in fear. I had made those thoughts my reality. And in doing so, they perpetuated my overwhelm and overreaction. They created a wedge between what was actually real and what I had made real.

I began to question.
I began to observe.
I began to pay attention.

I found that my thoughts—my mind—had complete control over me. Whatever it could conjure based on past experience, I believed. I made the crazy, terrifying thoughts more real than what was in front of me. I had created a world of fear that acted and reacted according to whatever fear thought I was running at the time.

I came to understand that my anxiety-ridden world was one of my own creation. As I stood aside and looked in, I saw a world of fear, torment, and panic.

Let me go back to a vision I was given as I lay bleeding. I saw my life as I had been living it—one of apocalyptic proportions. Is this how I wanted to continue? War, fear, terror? Or would I accept the offer to leave my body? To die? That split-second glimpse of my life showed me what I had been missing.

So I chose. Again and again.
I observed, listened, watched, accepted, acknowledged. I didn’t judge or blame myself. I was compassionate and just noticed. Just noticed thoughts.

They came less and less.
Until I no longer fought with myself.
Until I simply loved and accepted myself.
Until I just was.

I started telling the truth—not just my truth, but the truth. I started pausing before speaking to ensure the truth came out. I examined what I was about to say. I noticed my tendency toward stories and halted them, kindly, before they left my mouth.

I told my family what was happening to me, especially when things felt out of control. I kept it real—and they accepted what I was going through.

I began to bring myself back into alignment.
I set myself free.
I created space between thought and action.
I opened my heart.
I listened.

I choose love.
Again and again.

BIO
Sharna Jay is an Intuitive Guide, sacred jewellery creator, mentor of self-worth and awareness, and history buff. She weaves the story of the whole self—present self, past life selves, and ancestral self—into all of her service. She believes we draw from all the patterns around us, and through this acknowledgement, we come to know, accept, and love ourselves. A realist, a pursuer of deep connection, a lover of the vast Universe, and a daughter of the Goddess Consciousness, Sharna is here to serve the woman who is ready to go deep, get real, and become whole.